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The Bachelor Kitchen, Cooking and Date Night Disasters

Jake Karls

The last few weeks you have been pimping your dreams. Do you think you think you are ready for prime time yet? Yes? Well giddy up! If you want to give your date the Royal Treatment, then cook dinner right at your own Bachelor Pad. (If you have roomies, tell them to scram). In life, planning is EVERYTHING. Generals don’t go blindly racing into battle unprepared, half-assed with their pants falling down around their ankles and neither should you. The end game is to make it appear as if you effortlessly threw it all together. (Wink, wink). Look I am not going to give you a play-by-play game book of what to cook. Sorry pal. That is for you to figure out based on your skills (or lack thereof), your time, and your budget. What I will say is to practice beforehand – no new, untried recipes debuting at Showtime. Only the most seasoned (pun intended) chef can experiment in front of a live audience. And you are not a finale contestant on MasterChef, like Dr. Shawn.

Don’t make me remind you again. You are an “Everyday Normal Guy” (check out the song by JonLajoie , below) And as such, you will need to work at this. Just do the best that you can. You are aiming for something that does not make you want to vomit. Permission granted to screw up. Envision how utterly irresistible you will look to your date………a little disheveled, so earnestly trying. A for effort! Priceless! You will come off as completely lovable and delicious. Remember even the worst kitchen disasters can be saved or salvaged and still have a “happy ending” (yup, pun intended). How do you imagine “Sloppy Joe’s” ever came into being? Am I right? If you are lucky your fare might even be edible – or dare I hope……tasty? I WILL guarantee it will prove to be a bonding experience for you both, not unlike a reality show date. Oh no! Have I spooked you? Pshaw. I was just funnin’ with you.

 

Tools of the Trade for the Beginner Bachelor Kitchen:

Okaaaay! We’re goin’ in. First off, you will need some heavyweight, stainless steel cookware. Your pots and pans must be heavy-bottomed so that your spaghetti sauce won’t burn, deep enough that your food doesn’t slosh over the side when you are sautéing, and big enough that your pasta has ample room to freely swim around in the salted, boiling water. Now don’t get carried away and blow the budget. Costco is always reliable and you can always find deals on quality cookware (such as Paderno link here) on sale at department stores. If you have an induction cooktop be careful to purchase pots and pans that are compatible with this. They are marked with a funny little symbol on the bottom.

 

 

Side note: you will need some tools of the trade. Let’s start with utensils: tongs for picking food up (No, not “thongs” as in girl’s underwear. Stay focused wouldja?), spatulas, measuring cups and measuring spoons, a cutting board and a few good sturdy knives. Aluminum mixing bowls are handy for prep work and can be used for serving too. Yes, that’s right. You can improvise. After all, you are a “Bachelor” and you have license to wing it. Use it. Work it. Nobody expects perfection. In my books, you get a medal just for showing up in that apron and standing there behind that counter. It’s so fucking adorable. My prediction? She will be volunteering to do all the dishes and you will be asking yourself why in the world you didn’t try this sooner. And maybe next time dinner will be at HER house, where you can chillax and concentrate on what’s for “dessert”. Now get out there and make me proud. You are welcome. Let me know how it goes……..


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